My old friend

You weren't expecting that, were you? Well, it's true. Prozac is an old friend of mine. We first became acquainted during my junior year of college and were friends for about 6 months. I broke it off amicably (I can only speak for myself). Although we have not seen each other since, I have no hard feelings and actually credit Prozac for teaching me some of the hardest lessons of my life. So, as I would also say to some old boyfriends (but only in retrospect), thanks.

Why am I telling any of you this? Well, truthfully, I don't know. I started blogging again because I love to write. Someday, I would like to write fiction, maybe something short and eventually something long. To be a good writer, in my opinion, one needs to be honest and open. This blog is my exercise in openness. I always hold back on paper. I don't want to give everything away, perhaps because there isn't much to give away. Do you ever have that feeling? That whatever mystery you have can be divulged with a shot of tequila and a double-spaced-Courier-font-size-12-with-2"-margins page? Or perhaps I'm afraid people will see me for the neurotic, bipolar, emotional pessimist that I truly am.

I don't know. I am having one of those days I knew would come. Like migraines, my mood swings come with auras, except that my aura is the memory of predictable, practiced unhappiness. I was happy on Monday but I bet 5 bucks that the feeling wouldn't last more than 36 hours. Because it never does. I owe myself 5 bucks. Nah. Don't waste your pity on me. I'll be back in good spirits probably by tomorrow.

So what gives? Do I need to get on a mood stabilizer again? I think the main reason I started Prozac to begin with was because my sadness wasn't circumstantial. I was just inexplicably sad. I cried a lot, I slept a lot, and I couldn't stop eating. I gained about 10 lbs, which people find very hard to believe, but it's true. I was fat (which came first, fatness or sadness?....good question). I felt lonely and undeserving, which I still occasionally feel now. I'm waiting for God to strike me down for continuing to forget my good fortune.

Anyway, this leads me to my next thought, which is that perhaps my moodiness is due to circumstances, hence my unwillingness to get back on Prozac. I think, well actually, I know that this is an accurate assessment. I'm pretty anxious nowadays. On January 17 I will find out where I will be spending 3 out of the next 4 years of my life. While this exciting, it's also very scary, as you can imagine. And yes. I'm kinda lonely. Being single has its fun moments, but I wouldn't mind finding someone who is absolutely crazy about me, and more importantly, someone I am crazy about. I don't want to settle, which I have a tendency to do when these moods set in. I recklessly try to fill that void with the excitement and unknown of a boy, who is neither that unknowable nor exciting. It all comes down to what you can convince yourself of. My sister tells me that smart people are the best rationalizers. She is right. We (YES, WE) allow ourselves to get away with all kinds of bad behavior.

Anyway, what was I talking about? I forget. But I feel better now. Maybe blogging is the new Prozac.

Things change (but basically they stay the same).

For those of you keeping (close) track of my life, you'll notice that the picture on the left looks familiar. That's because it was taken about 9 months ago when I still had my drinking problem. Karin thinks double-fisting is an improvement on triple-fisting, but she doesn't know that if someone had bought me a third drink, it would have certainly made the picture.

So in all seriousness, I picked the title of this blog based on this series of pictures, but it also happens to work very well with recent events in my life. The picture on the right was taken on Friday night at my birthday party. Since I do not have social gatherings (or birthdays) very often, I invited just about anyone I knew who would: a) come; b) not ruin the party. So you can imagine that it was an eclectic bunch of people, picked from many different times in my life. And, I'm happy to say, I still like all these people and no one ruined the party. I caught up with a lot of old friends and one old "more than friend" this weekend. I've done a lot of thinking, therefore, about moving on, fresh starts, the past, and what is yet to come.

I used to be so afraid of the future. Of course it still scares me a little, but somehow I have been able to let go of a lot of the anxiety that I used to hold for the unknown. Many people I know are able to do this at a very young age, and I think the common denominator for these people is faith. Now, I don't believe in God. I'm not even spiritual, whatever that REALLY means. I inherited this trait from my mom, who lives by her good deeds. I was, however, raised Catholic. I received communion but didn't make it to Confirmation. My parents got lazy, and frankly, I thank them for it. I never felt at place in church. It either speaks to you or it doesn't. You either buy it, or you don't. Even at the impressionable younge age of 4, I just didn't buy it.

I realize that when you don't have faith, you lack a very important coping mechanism. When bad things happened, I immediately internalized. I never attributed my misfortunes to fate or God's bigger picture. By internalizing, you actually beat yourself up quite a bit. You never stop seeing things as your fault. This actually hasn't changed that much, except that I don't beat myself up anymore. Because I'm not anyone's or my own punching bag. And seriously, whatever it is, it's probably not such a big deal anyway.

So anyway, back to my original point. As I've gotten older, I've been able to let go of my anxiety and it's been truly liberating. My academic life has been so well planned out that I thought my personal life had to be the same way. Well, it doesn't. WHO KNEW?? I'm very excited and feel very fortunate to have made this realization before I was tied down to a life that somehow just happened to me. I feel that there is more left for me to do as an individual and I'm finally acquiring the means, both financial and emotional, to do it all. And while my idea of "ideal life" may not be shared by anyone else, I'm still in love with it. Because I finally don't care what you think :oP

Mommy's back!

Wow. I really missed my mom and my brother and I'm very happy that they are back from India (with goodies). In all truth, I haven't seen Roey awake yet. The kid is seriously jet-lagged and keeps disappearing to a new bed every time he is (forcibly) woken.

I have very good news. I have just been fed dal, rice, and chutney by my mom, who for some reason felt extremely guilty for leaving me alone in the house with an empty fridge so she promptly whipped up some dinner. YUM! She never really feels guilty for not cooking so I'm not sure what gives. Dare I speculate that she missed me?? Could be.

She also brought me new accessories including evening bags and jewels. Have a look at my new bags. Aren't they beautiful?!

Well hopefully, I'll have something to wear them to in the near future (hint - if some very lucky guy needs a dinner date to a fancy party or just wants to date someone, I'm your girl).

Okay, time for a second round of dinner. Don't be jealous, just be happy for me ;0)