My old friend

You weren't expecting that, were you? Well, it's true. Prozac is an old friend of mine. We first became acquainted during my junior year of college and were friends for about 6 months. I broke it off amicably (I can only speak for myself). Although we have not seen each other since, I have no hard feelings and actually credit Prozac for teaching me some of the hardest lessons of my life. So, as I would also say to some old boyfriends (but only in retrospect), thanks.

Why am I telling any of you this? Well, truthfully, I don't know. I started blogging again because I love to write. Someday, I would like to write fiction, maybe something short and eventually something long. To be a good writer, in my opinion, one needs to be honest and open. This blog is my exercise in openness. I always hold back on paper. I don't want to give everything away, perhaps because there isn't much to give away. Do you ever have that feeling? That whatever mystery you have can be divulged with a shot of tequila and a double-spaced-Courier-font-size-12-with-2"-margins page? Or perhaps I'm afraid people will see me for the neurotic, bipolar, emotional pessimist that I truly am.

I don't know. I am having one of those days I knew would come. Like migraines, my mood swings come with auras, except that my aura is the memory of predictable, practiced unhappiness. I was happy on Monday but I bet 5 bucks that the feeling wouldn't last more than 36 hours. Because it never does. I owe myself 5 bucks. Nah. Don't waste your pity on me. I'll be back in good spirits probably by tomorrow.

So what gives? Do I need to get on a mood stabilizer again? I think the main reason I started Prozac to begin with was because my sadness wasn't circumstantial. I was just inexplicably sad. I cried a lot, I slept a lot, and I couldn't stop eating. I gained about 10 lbs, which people find very hard to believe, but it's true. I was fat (which came first, fatness or sadness?....good question). I felt lonely and undeserving, which I still occasionally feel now. I'm waiting for God to strike me down for continuing to forget my good fortune.

Anyway, this leads me to my next thought, which is that perhaps my moodiness is due to circumstances, hence my unwillingness to get back on Prozac. I think, well actually, I know that this is an accurate assessment. I'm pretty anxious nowadays. On January 17 I will find out where I will be spending 3 out of the next 4 years of my life. While this exciting, it's also very scary, as you can imagine. And yes. I'm kinda lonely. Being single has its fun moments, but I wouldn't mind finding someone who is absolutely crazy about me, and more importantly, someone I am crazy about. I don't want to settle, which I have a tendency to do when these moods set in. I recklessly try to fill that void with the excitement and unknown of a boy, who is neither that unknowable nor exciting. It all comes down to what you can convince yourself of. My sister tells me that smart people are the best rationalizers. She is right. We (YES, WE) allow ourselves to get away with all kinds of bad behavior.

Anyway, what was I talking about? I forget. But I feel better now. Maybe blogging is the new Prozac.