For those of you keeping (close) track of my life, you'll notice that the picture on the left looks familiar. That's because it was taken about 9 months ago when I still had my drinking problem. Karin thinks double-fisting is an improvement on triple-fisting, but she doesn't know that if someone had bought me a third drink, it would have certainly made the picture.
So in all seriousness, I picked the title of this blog based on this series of pictures, but it also happens to work very well with recent events in my life. The picture on the right was taken on Friday night at my birthday party. Since I do not have social gatherings (or birthdays) very often, I invited just about anyone I knew who would: a) come; b) not ruin the party. So you can imagine that it was an eclectic bunch of people, picked from many different times in my life. And, I'm happy to say, I still like all these people and no one ruined the party. I caught up with a lot of old friends and one old "more than friend" this weekend. I've done a lot of thinking, therefore, about moving on, fresh starts, the past, and what is yet to come.
I used to be so afraid of the future. Of course it still scares me a little, but somehow I have been able to let go of a lot of the anxiety that I used to hold for the unknown. Many people I know are able to do this at a very young age, and I think the common denominator for these people is faith. Now, I don't believe in God. I'm not even spiritual, whatever that REALLY means. I inherited this trait from my mom, who lives by her good deeds. I was, however, raised Catholic. I received communion but didn't make it to Confirmation. My parents got lazy, and frankly, I thank them for it. I never felt at place in church. It either speaks to you or it doesn't. You either buy it, or you don't. Even at the impressionable younge age of 4, I just didn't buy it.
I realize that when you don't have faith, you lack a very important coping mechanism. When bad things happened, I immediately internalized. I never attributed my misfortunes to fate or God's bigger picture. By internalizing, you actually beat yourself up quite a bit. You never stop seeing things as your fault. This actually hasn't changed that much, except that I don't beat myself up anymore. Because I'm not anyone's or my own punching bag. And seriously, whatever it is, it's probably not such a big deal anyway.
So anyway, back to my original point. As I've gotten older, I've been able to let go of my anxiety and it's been truly liberating. My academic life has been so well planned out that I thought my personal life had to be the same way. Well, it doesn't. WHO KNEW?? I'm very excited and feel very fortunate to have made this realization before I was tied down to a life that somehow just happened to me. I feel that there is more left for me to do as an individual and I'm finally acquiring the means, both financial and emotional, to do it all. And while my idea of "ideal life" may not be shared by anyone else, I'm still in love with it. Because I finally don't care what you think :oP
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